Happy

July 21, 2019

I’m sitting at my Jane Austen-inspired writing desk watching the steam coming off the eggs I just scrambled. My desk faces a six-foot window and I’m squinting slightly at the morning sunlight that pours into my room.  Looking out at the quiet DC side street lined with hundred-year-old row homes, fifty-year-old oak trees, and much newer cars, I’m…something. I’m content, I think. Maybe even happy.

It’s not just this moment, which I feel is special in its own peaceful and fulfilling way, it’s something more encompassing.

I think it started last Friday when I came home from work. I had a full day of work, came home, decided to go to the grocery store to pick up ingredients, and then returned home to bake a new, healthier dessert that I let cool on the counter while I went to a restorative yoga class. The next morning, I went on a hike with my best friend and then came home and took a five-hour nap. I finished the day with the dessert from the day before, a movie, and letter-writing. The next morning, I woke up, went to the farmer’s market, and got fresh flowers for my desk. There was a vendor selling handmade pasta and freshly made pasta sauce and I picked that up as well. The day was filled with puttering around the house cleaning here and there, doing laundry, meal prepping, resting, and remaining, largely, unplugged. I went to bed early and got up even earlier the next morning to make it to a yoga class. I made it into work ten minutes early where I worked hard and smart all day. I came home exhausted, reheated some of the leftover pasta, read a book to restore my mind a bit, and went to bed at 8:22pm. And here we are.

What’s astounded me about the last few days is that I listened to needs and acted from there. I heard when my body was telling me it needed stretching and when it needed rest and when it was up for what I wanted to do. I heard my mind saying it needed an escape from the demands of thinking and when it was feeling creative. I stayed in tune with my feelings and heard when I needed to be around people and when I needed to be alone and when I needed to journal to work through something or when I needed to stop trying to analyze and simply be present in that moment. The last few days, even if it meant doing something my roommates would scoff at, like going to bed before 8:30 in the evening, I would listen to what my body was telling me it needed and would try to meet that need. Historically, if my body told me a need, and it didn’t match up with what I thought it should need or what I wanted, I’d tell it to be quiet and get in line. Then I’d solider on into exhaustion, pain, disappointment, and frustration.

Listening to my body these last few days, I feel…happy.

Fulfilled.   

I’m hoping it lasts. I’m hoping I’m not so pigheaded that I go back to pushing against my body and forcing it into my expectations for what I should be able to do or should be doing based on my age, what I see around me, and own internal, unrealistic expectations. But it hasn’t been put to the test. I have a friend coming to stay with me this week for a couple of days. Can I keep this up? I have a work retreat coming up in a month that is physically and mentally demanding. Will I be able to maintain this habit then? I’ve been largely alone these last few days and haven’t had people disappointed by what my body needs at each moment. I don’t know what that will look like when it comes. Who do I prioritize? Is it a standard? Or is it give and take? Do I plan recovery time on either side? I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out.

In the meantime, though, I feel happy. I feel content. I feel these steps toward collaboration.

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