Adaptive

September 17, 2019

Four days ago I woke up the dizziest I’ve been in a long time. My alarm went off at 5:41AM, and I flung off the many blankets I sleep under, swung my feet over the side of my too-tall bed, and intended to take the 10 steps that would take me to my blaring alarm clock. Instead, I found myself down on the floor, knocked off my feet from the dizziness. I crawled to the nearest piece of furniture that would help me pull myself back up and shuffled over to my still ringing alarm. Slamming it off, I grabbed my phone that’s been plugged in nearby, set the alarm on that for two more hours, and went back to bed. I stuffed more pillows under my head because lying down flat was out of the question, and I prayed to fall back asleep before I have the chance to throw up. 

Two hours later, I woke up. Still dizzy, but marginally better, I stayed in bed for twenty minutes while I took an inventory of my body.  I play the “what can my body do today?” game to see if I need to stay home from work. I judge that, no, I’m fine to go into work, but I do need to move more slowly than normal, I need to take a Lyft instead of walk, and I need to get ginger ale stat. Texting my bosses to tell them I’ll be in late, I did the bare minimum on my make-up, threw my hair in a ponytail when it became evident that actually fixing it would be an unwise use of energy, and got changed into a comfortable yet professional dress.

As a side effect of my skull malformation and resulting brain damage, I have positional vertigo. Every now and then, I get dizzy and I can’t do anything about it but wait for it to pass. It happens. For the rest of the day, I sit more than I stand, delegate more than I act, and don’t use energy unnecessarily.  

I’ve had episodes of positional vertigo before, but eating lunch with my coworker who also happens to be my best friend, I realized that this time was different. In the past, I had berated my body while I was laid up unable to move. Frustrated with being trapped inside my own body, I would yell and scream and curse internally. I’d pout and blame my body for misbehaving and acting out. I’d blame myself for doing something to upset it. Did I not drink enough water? Not eat well enough? Not exercise enough? What did I do or not do???

But this time isn’t like that. I know I have given my body everything it needs and even some things it wants. I know it’s not intentional sabotage. It’s just what it is. It’s my body functioning within the parameters it has, and I bet my body isn’t happy about it either! If I were my body, I’d hate to be nauseous and weak and dizzy. I did what I could to accommodate my body while the dizziness played out. I canceled my yoga class, I had ginger ale instead of wine at a business dinner, and took a Lyft instead of walked anywhere I had to go. I didn’t wince at the extra cost during that episode. I realized that I do what I can when my body lets me and I do what I can when it doesn’t.

The next day I still felt off and nauseous and weak, so I did what I needed to again. I rested all day Saturday and took it easy on Sunday. By Monday I feel better in some ways, worse in others. I no longer feel dizzy or nauseous, but I do feel an episode of lack of feeling in my fingertips. So I’ll be careful not to cook or be around anything too hot where I can’t tell that I’m burning myself. I’ll adapt. My body and I will adapt. I feel good.

To hear this entry read aloud, click here.
To watch this entry in American Sign Language, click here. (Coming Soon)